Trains could put Mideast terrorists on pacifist track
Sometimes solving a problem can be so simple even a child could do it. Unless, of course, that child is a member of Congress, where the solution to everything seems to be name-calling and sticking their tongues out at each other.
But for adults, some problems have easy solutions.
Take global terrorism. We've tried all sorts of intricate schemes to rid the world of these crazy people, but to no avail. Shooting them doesn't work. It just makes the ones we don't shoot even madder. We need a simple solution, like the one proposed by one of my readers, Robin Ardinger.
Most terrorists come from barren, camel-intensive Middle Eastern countries, often with poor Internet connections, making it difficult for your average terrorist to play video games or surf for online porn. So what are they to do?
Robin says they need to get a hobby and suggests electric trains, basing that suggestion on the fact that A) nearly all terrorists are men and B) nearly all model train club enthusiasts are men.
To back up this last statement, Robin points out that train club guys are really focused on, for example, moving a locomotive from one track to another using only the control switches, regardless of the difficulty. Whereas if a woman had the same dilemma, she'd solve it by the totally unacceptable method of physically picking up the locomotive and relocating it.
Judging by that sexist stereotype, which happens to be correct, I'm going to assume Robin Ardinger is female. Still, the idea is brilliant.
Think about it. Instead of using costly drones, our military could use its C-130 Hercules aircraft, planes large enough to carry the entire population of Rhode Island and their pets, to fly over terrorist camps. There they'd open their massive holds and drop crates of electric trains, from HO-gauge to O-gauge Lionel, with all their accessories. We'd even include electric generators.
The terrorists would be helpless. The "guy gene" inside every male on earth would seize control of them. They'd throw aside their AK-47s, grab for their power packs and switch controls and spend the rest of their lives building and expanding intricate train layouts.
If that proves successful, we can expand the program to include the entire Middle East, dropping electric train sets on Israel, Syria, Iran and all the rest.
And if they want to get aggressive, their electric trains can include flat cars carrying toy tanks and missiles that they can fire at each other. Given the limited range of the toy weapons, we could reduce the entire Middle East conflict to an area the size of a high school gymnasium.
On the off chance that not all terrorists are model train enthusiasts, I also have a surefire back-up plan: We'll help them establish a professional baseball league!
No male can ignore the lure of cheering on his favorite team, a team that represents a specific city, even though none of the players actually live in that city.
Men obsess over baseball trivia more than over other aspects of their lives, such as their marriages. Mention the name Al Kaline, the Detroit Tigers all-time best rightfielder (1953-74), to a true baseball fan, and he'll tell you Kaline's lifetime batting average, on-base percentage and All-Star game appearances.
Ask that same man the names and ages of his children, and he'll put on a blank expression, turn to his wife and say, "We have children?"
We need to start this program right away, so contact your Congressman, provided you can pull him or her away from the playground squabble.