Taking a shot at controlling recent violence
In the wake of the horrific shootings in Connecticut last month, there has been a great deal of discussion about gun violence and ways to control it, as well there should be.
God knows there are way too many screwballs out there toting guns, and we need to do something about it.
(My suggestion is to make them all Civil War re-enactors, so they can take out their aggressions with other gun-toting screwballs -- like me. They will still have guns, but at least they'll be able to fire only one round at a time.)
But guns, especially those capable of spitting out a large number of rounds in a short amount of time, are primarily a man's weapon. Women have other methods of destruction, which this column plans to address as a public service.
I have in front of me an article from the Huffington Post concerning a 51-year-old Everett, Wash., woman who is alleged to have smothered her boyfriend using -- drum roll, please -- her breasts. (Caliber unknown.)
I hear you guys out there saying, "Well, if you gotta go, what better way?" But this is serious.
The article cites a Seattle KIRO 7 Eyewitness News report from Jan. 12, saying witnesses saw the woman throw her boyfriend down in the back of their mobile home at the Airport Inn trailer park. (Sounds swanky, huh?) Later, she was found on top of him with her chest covering his face.
Paramedics tried to perform CPR, but were unsuccessful, owing, I assume, to their inability to pry the smile from his lips.
Police are not reporting how hard he tried to escape.
Now you're saying, "All right, Larry. So one woman smothered one man with her breasts. I'm sure it is just an isolated case."
Last November, the British tabloid Daily Mail reported that, in Germany, a 33-year-old woman pretending to be playing a sex game, pulled a pair of 38DDs on her boyfriend and tried to smother him.
"Treasure, I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible," she allegedly told him later.
The fact that the guy was a lawyer in no way excuses her actions.
Also, a 2010 report from the United Kingdom said a woman armed with a set of 40LLs nearly killed her boyfriend during sex. She claimed to have mistaken his flailing as excitement, becoming concerned when she noticed that he had stopped moving and seemingly wasn't breathing.
A likely story.
Unfortunately, it's not just deadly, over-stuffed body parts that women are now using. Some have turned to meat.
A Swedish report states that a woman assaulted her husband last November with a Falukorv, which is a type of sausage.
And last June in Massachusetts, a woman picked a fight while wielding a German bratwurst.
So you see? From knockers to knockwurst, women are becoming more violent, and they aren't particular about what weapons they choose.
On occasion women are accused of being the aggressor when, in fact, they're not.
Here in Pennsylvania, a kindergarten girl was suspended from school for making what authorities called a "terroristic threat" after she told another girl she was going to "shoot" her. The child's weapon was a pink toy gun that emits soap bubbles. Ironically, the girl didn't even have the gun with her at the time.
The article does not say, but I assume police went to the girl's home and, after first making sure the gun was safe, meaning that it contained no bubble-emitting fluid, confiscated the weapon.
Come on, people! This was a 5-year-old reacting to all the gun rhetoric she hears from adults in the media and Congress.
Instead of the child, maybe we ought to suspend the adults.