Then - blammo! - you wake to find you have to be responsible for your kids today because school-bus drivers have taken a holiday.

Hey, don't bus drivers get the summer off, too?

I don't get the summer off, and I was a liberal arts major.

Unlike school-bus drivers, I get only two weeks off in the summer. Also unlike school bus drivers, I have to spend the entire two weeks with my kids.

That's not as bad as it sounds.

I don't mind spending long summer days with my kids because if I get tired of yelling at them, I take them to the pool and let the lifeguards do the yelling.

I wonder who lifeguards yell at in the winter.

"Frosty! No running!"

"Kids! Outta the snow! It's adult sledding."

"Hey! Don't make the snow yellow!"

Prime-time expose    For some reason, school superintendents got it into their heads to cancel school if roads get slippery. I think "60 Minutes" should investigate.

I imagine the stopwatch going tick-tick-tick-tick...

Cut to a shot of a convenience-store clerk pulling into a slippery parking lot and going to work...

Cut to a shot of a heating-oil deliveryman pulling a hose from a truck idling beside a slippery road...

"I'm Mike Wallace. It's winter in America, and that means roads sometimes get slippery. For most Americans, life goes on. They exercise caution, but attend to business. The mail gets delivered. Telemarketers make calls.

"But some very well paid public employees look out the window, see a slippery coating on their driveway and say, "Darn, I'm going to have to cancel school.'"

Cut to a shot of a school superintendent lounging in bed and watching midgets flinging chairs on "The Jerry Springer Show..."

OK, I'm not being fair.

An offended superintendent is going to mail me a page from the superintendent's manual that spells out safety guidelines.

It just so happens that same manual advises superintendents to wear helmets and flak jackets at meetings where parents find out their second-graders will be taking driver's ed by the time the elementary-school renovation project is completed.

Guess what, Daddy    In that safety manual is a line the superintendent has carefully highlighted for me. It reads:

"Under no circumstance should school be held if roads look slippery. To do so would jeopardize student safety."

Give me a break. Just how safe do superintendents think kids are if they stay home the entire day with a parent?

It wasn't even 7:30 yesterday morning, and my son was crawling on top of me in bed and saying, "Guess what, Daddy. There's no school!"

It wasn't even 8 o'clock yesterday morning and I had already given one son a time-out because he did something to his brother that a midget might do to another midget, but only if they were on "The Jerry Springer Show."

It wasn't even 9 o'clock yesterday morning and my wife was smiling as she slipped on gloves and headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Didn't I tell you? I have a dentist appointment."

"You can't go to the dentist!" I pleaded. "It's a snow day! Dentists don't work on a snow day. Don't they have to be home with their kids, too?"

I can't complain, though. Not once in my years as a professional journalist have I gotten a snow day off. I made sure I got that written into my contract.

After my wife returned from her very convenient date with the dentist, I left the house clutching an umbrella, an ice scraper and a brown-bag lunch. My kids were still in their pajamas. My youngest, his eyes glazed, was playing a computer game. My oldest challenged me to a game of checkers.

Sorry, son, I said, but duty calls.

Someone has to go in to the office and fill the space between the ads in tomorrow's newspaper.

I would love to stay home like the school bus drivers and superintendents,but I have a noble calling. I was a liberal arts major.

E-mail is welcome at jhawkes@lnpnews.com. blog comments powered by Disqus