Ah, viciousness.

Last week’s little missive was certain to provoke it, and it did – read today’s letters to the editor page, where you’ll find out that I’m a sniveling weasel.

Heck, you didn’t have to spend 10 minutes of your life reading my column to find that out. You could’ve asked my wife.

For the record, I got about far more responses from those who agreed with my contention – actually, it was the late Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s contention – that simplicity is the essence of tyranny. So maybe there’s hope for us, after all.

But more amusing, as always, was the mail from people who think they’ve got me figured out. I’m one o’ dem eeeeevil lib’ruls. I even had one guy e-mail me a laundry list of stereotypical “liberal” causes, all of which he was certain I embraced.

Like many who think they have us eeeeevil lib’ruls figured out, he was completely wrong.

But his note and others like it did get me thinking about what it is I do stand for.

I mean, lots of conservatives think they know what people like me are all about. Were it not for my photo here, some would even presume to know what I look like. Because your liberals are generally short and skinny. Gaunt, even. With wispy facial hair and John Lennon-type glasses.

I’m probably overeducated, right? Most likely live in an apartment, loathe sports, drive a compact car. Drink wine and eat foie gras. I might even be gay.

Heh.

Let me help you out here.

I'm 6 feet, 3 inches, 235 pounds. My wife would like it if I were about 20 pounds lighter. But if God wanted me to be 20 pounds lighter, He never would have invented Cheetos.

I'm married 10 years (to the same woman, by the way), with a 2-year-old son. A homeowner and taxpayer who mows his lawn twice a week and likes his neighbors best when they do the same.

I am a major Pittsburgh Steelers fan, much to the chagrin of my wife, who becomes something of a football widow every year right about ... now.

I drink Rolling Rock and IC Light, or Labatt when I'm feeling rich, which isn't often since the kid came along. I drive a small SUV. I’ve never eaten organic produce, unless it was grown by my wife.

I believe in 12-string Rickenbacker guitars, and on my 50th birthday I've told myself I'm going to buy one. I haven't told my wife about this yet. I’ve got 14 years yet; give me time.

I believe that after you have kids, everything else has to come second.

I believe in conservative clothing. I’m still wearing the same shirts I wore a decade ago, much to my wife’s chagrin. And the only time my pants hang down my rear end is when the elastic has gone out of the waistband.

I act and look like your neighbor. Which of course makes it all the more insidious, right? That someone so seemingly ... normal ... could harbor such subversive thoughts, right?

But the point I'm making is that those thoughts are not really that subversive at all.

It's not that I'm against retaliating after someone smacks you. It's that I'm against retaliating against all of those who look like the guy who smacked you, on the theory that some day, possibly, they just might want to smack you and you've got to head it off at the pass.

It's just that when I read Thomas Jefferson's line about all men being created equal, I took it literally. I don't recall seeing fine print that noted those words didn't apply to those who happened to be gay.

It's that I respect a deep, abiding faith, though what works for you may not work for me, and if you try to codify what works for you in the law, I'm going to oppose it.

It's that I think America is a wonderful place, but that this does not give us carte blanche to do as we like. We are citizens of the world, and therefore must act as citizens of the world. Which, at times, means not getting our way.

It's that I believe being informed is always, always, better than thinking you know the answer without having fully researched the question. It's that for every black and white you've got gray, for every day and night you've got dusk.

It's that there are no easy answers. And to insist there are is to not use your brain.

So there you have it. Ideas, perhaps, that are different from yours. But overall, strange and somehow un-American?

Not on your Rolling Rock, pal.

Gil Smart is assistant news editor of the Sunday News. E-mail him at gsmart@lnpnews.com, or call 291-8817. For more commentary, see the Smart Remarks weblog at smartremarks.blogspot.com.

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