In an effort to increase revenues, I'm now selling advertising space, so this week's column is sponsored by the Committee to Elect Tom Corbett Governor. (Check us out at www.ihatetheunemployed.com.)

When you write a humor column, everyone assumes you are one heck of a fun guy, willing to do anything for material. If I'm desperate enough, as I often am, they are correct.

But there are things I would never attempt. For example, I'd never travel to Pamplona, Spain, to risk being stomped and gored by a herd of angry cattle during the annual running of the bulls. (Last week's score was Bulls: 6, Idiots: 0.)

On the other hand, I have traveled to such distant places as Terre Hill to give you a firsthand account of the Outhouse Races, a dramatic experience that defies description. The thought of those souped-up privies racing along Main Street to the cheers of delighted Terre Hillians still gets me choked up.

I also served as a guest bingo caller at a local fundraiser despite the fact that I risked serious verbal abuse from the hostile masses, many armed with ink dotters. (Actually, this was not as bad as I expected because there was a noted lack of elderly ladies present. In my youth, I frequently went with my grandmother to bingo parlors, where I learned that the most dangerous profession after alligator wrestler is bingo caller. The U.S. Marines send their drill instructor trainees to bingo games with orders to learn the vocabulary.)

Column material is also why, last week, I took part in an eating contest that I will describe right after this important commercial break.

Have you lost your job because of plant closings or work being shipped overseas? Have your unemployment compensation benefits been cut off because Congress refuses to pass an extension? If so, then gubernatorial candidate Tom Corbett has some important words for you: "Tough noodles!" (— "I'm Tom Corbett, and I approve this message.")

The event was Heroes Past, Present and Future, held in Ephrata last Friday, and it was largely a salute to veterans. It featured various veteran groups, a military color guard and units of the Army and the Marines — just in case you got the sudden urge to enlist.

One activity was an eating contest involving local celebrities and other volunteers. Because my photo is in the newspaper every week (see above), I assume I qualify as a local celebrity.

So I was invited to participate, as were Ephrata Mayor Ralph Mowen and Akron Mayor John McBeth.

State Rep. Tom Creighton stood stiffly nearby, looking like a cigar store wooden Indian, only better dressed, and I invited him to join, but he declined. (I guess he isn't up for re-election. Politicians seeking re-election are like humor columnists seeking material.)

Mowen, McBeth and I, plus three hapless volunteers from the crowd, were tasked with eating a — what else — hero sandwich one-handed in two minutes.

To make a long story short, McBeth won, but he cheated. He dunked his sandwich into an open 32-ounce cup of some pale yellow liquid, either lemonade or anti-freeze.

This served two purposes: It softened the roll and made it easier for him to swallow, and it grossed out the rest of us, ruining our appetites.

So, you see, dear readers, the lengths to which I will go and the risks I gladly take to keep you entertained.

Also remember that in November Tom Corbett will want your vote to help make Pennsylvania a better place for all of us.

Unless, of course, you're unemployed.

lalexander@lnpnews.com