Time again for "Something's Rotten in Hollywood," the movie-review column that dares to ask the question, "Did people really go to a theater and pay good money to see these turkeys?"

Today, we look at a story ripped from the pages of history — provided the person who wrote that page of history was smoking crack — with the movie "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter."

James is played by John Lupton. You baby boomers might remember him from the 1950s TV Western "Broken Arrow," in which he played Tom Jeffords, a "good" Indian agent trying to make sure the government didn't cheat the Apaches. (Fact: Jeffords was removed as an Indian agent in 1875. Guess he cared too much.)

"Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter," released in 1966, also features Jim Davis, a popular character actor who evidently was short on cash when offered the role.

In the film, James and his partner, Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder), a hulking guy whose ring size and IQ are one and the same, join the outlaw gang called the Wild Bunch (even though none of them looked like William Holden). One outlaw says he heard James was killed when his gang was ambushed "at Northridge."

"No, but he was nearly killed at Northfield, you moron," I yelled at my TV.

The fictional gang intends to steal a $100,000 payroll from a stagecoach, a popular pastime for outlaws in Westerns. Unfortunately, one of the crooks sold out the rest to Marshal MacPhee (Davis).

The subsequent holdup is a complete mess, but Jesse and Hank get away, although Hank is wounded by MacPhee, whose six-shooter is capable of firing 600,000 rounds between reloadings. (The reason the western landscape is so filled with ruts and gullies isn't due to erosion — it's damage from the millions of bullets fired in cowboy gunbattles.)

Seeking help for Hank, Jesse ends up at the home of Maria Frankenstein (Narda Onyx) and her whiny brother Rudolph (Stephen Geray). Keeping with the family tradition, Maria has been conducting experiments on townspeople's brains. The experiments include the use of a painted U.S. Army helmet liner with lights attached. Rudolph keeps whining, "What you're doing is insane." Of course it is! Her name is Frankenstein, not Schweitzer.

Long story short, while Jesse is eluding Marshal MacPhee, Maria operates on Hank, who is the only subject to survive (naturally). She renames him Igor (copyright laws require at least one Igor per Frankenstein movie), and orders him to kill Estelita (a townswoman whose brother was one of Maria's failed experiments and who has the hots for Jesse).

But the inner non-Igor Hank likes Estelita and can't do it, so he — Surprise! — kills Maria. Then he turns on Jesse, possibly because, as an employer, James didn't have a good benefits package. Estelita is forced to shoot Hank. Jesse then surrenders to Marshal MacPhee, and they ride off together, possibly to jail, or possibly to Brokeback Mountain.

The movie was directed by William "One Shot" Beaudine, who also gave us the classic thriller "Billy the Kid Versus Dracula." Beaudine was dubbed "One Shot" in the book "The 50 Worst Films of All Time" by Harry and Michael Medved because he always seemed to shoot just one take, regardless of how badly it turned out. This is unfair. I'm sure there were scenes in this movie that required two, or even three, takes.

Afflicted with a stilted script, lifeless acting, unconvincing characters, cheesy props and questionable costuming (one of Maria's long, 1880s dresses has a zipper down the back), this movie is best viewed while drinking.

lalexander@lnpnews.com