Looking for a movie fix, and low on funds, I decided to check out "The Wolfman" at the theater in Kendig Square earlier this week.
I knew it didn't get great reviews, but Kendig Square matinees are only $2. Can't beat that deal.
But as my friend who went with me bemoaned: I can handle two bucks, but I'll never get that hour and 42 minutes of my life back.
What drew me to "The Wolfman" was the idea of a good old-fashioned horror movie.
Some reviews said the movie was a homage to the 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. classic. Ha!
Sure, there are foggy moors, a desolate mansion, long pauses and ominous music. Even Gypsies.
The cinematography is absolutely beautiful, with an almost black and white tint to it. The costumes take you back to the Victorian era.
I was reminded of those old horror movies from the 1930s I grew up watching on "Chiller Theatre," which aired late on Saturday nights in Pittsburgh, with host Chilly Billy Cardille — Zombie fans might remember him from "Night of the Living Dead" — who broadcast from a crazy laboratory.
Those old movies had bad-to-mediocre special effects and minuscule budgets, but they knew how to be entertaining, creepy and sometimes — if it was very late at night and the house was making strange noises — even scary.
So as "The Wolfman" began, I thought, maybe, just maybe, they'll get it. They'll understand that it's your imagination that's scarier than anything you see on the screen. That not seeing things is often better than seeing them.
Everyone knows the scariest scene in "Jaws" is when the woman is swimming and the music is thumping and, suddenly, the shark gets her.
But we don't see the shark — all we see is her getting tugged down. And it's terrifying.
There's nothing terrifying in "The Wolfman."
Benecio Del Toro, who is badly miscast and just plain bad, is Lawrence Talbot, a famous actor who returns home after his brother's been killed by a mysterious monster.
His estranged father, played by Anthony Hopkins (who is actually a lot of fun to watch), doesn't seem as upset as he should. And Lawrence finds himself drawn to his brother's fiancé, Emily Blunt, who falls for him at his wolfiest.
Things get bad when Lawrence is attacked by the monster who killed his brother and is turned into a wolf man.
Why is Lawrence an actor? Why are he and his father estranged? Why is Blunt attracted to him?
Silly questions. That would require character development, and "The Wolfman" is not interested in that.
It's all about the bloody rampages, about heads and limbs being torn off and entrails and hearts being thrown across the room.
Nothing is left to the imagination.
At one point, Lawrence is put into an insane asylum, and we get to watch him being tortured by the psychotic doctor who runs the place. More gory fun!
But for horror stories to work, they have to be very human at their core.
Frankenstein is such a great monster because we feel for him and his confusion.
A guy who's turned into a wolf man is to be pitied. He doesn't ask to become a lunatic who freaks out at every full moon.
But all the moviemakers care about these days are the gross-out special effects they let rip loose about every 15 minutes.
The most disturbing thing about the whole experience?
A couple came in with their daughter, who looked to be about 5 or 6. The ticket guy told them the R-rated movie might be too gory for her. They took her in to see it anyway.
She didn't seem at all disturbed afterward.