What holiday present, you ask, should I get for that person who has everything?

Then you slap yourself on the head (after making sure you're not holding anything in your hand that might cause injury) and say, "Of course! A Viking helmet!"

But where can you get a Viking helmet without traveling to some fjord-infested country and slaying Erik the Red — or his wimpier brother, Bud the Mauve — and taking his?

Relax! Just try Archie McPhee, the novelty store whose customers proudly proclaim, "When it comes to gift-giving, I have absolutely no shame."

At Archie McPhee (mcphee.com), a Viking helmet of genuine plastic, complete with horns and fake fur, costs just $9.95.

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If you're shopping for someone who loves skiing in the Alps but you can't afford to buy them a trip to southern Germany, the next best thing is the Remote Control Hopping Yodeling Lederhosen.

Standing about 6 inches tall, these traditional Bavarian trousers yodel and hop around when you press the button on the remote, which resembles a 4½-inch plastic knockwurst. This Teutonic treat is just $19.95. (If you prefer, there also is a Yodeling Pickle for only $12.95. Sadly, it does not hop.)

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If you know someone whose boss has upset them, try the Boss Toss, a 5¾-inch launcher that flings small plastic executives across the room. Great for office parties (as long as the boss is drunk). Just $4.95.

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Move over Spider-Man, here comes the Benjamin Franklin Action Figure ($8.95). Franklin, who once nominated the wild turkey over the bald eagle to be our national bird, comes with a kite and key so you can electrocute the old coot at will.

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Remember those 1950s sci-fi B movies in which panicked crowds fled from, for example, the Blob? Now you can have your own Horrified B-Movie Victims ($15.95), nine 3-inch-tall figures striking terrified poses as they recoil from something horrible — possibly yodeling, jumping lederhosen.

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If you need stocking stuffers, for $2.50 you can try fish-flavored mints, which come in a 2¼-inch-tall tin chum bucket. Mmmmmm.

Another must-have is a tin of adhesive bandages that look like strips of bacon ($4.95) or, in a similar vein, a bacon air freshener for your car ($2).

In fact, Archie McPhee loves bacon, and its gifts include a bacon belt ($24.95), bacon-flavored lip balm to fight off hunger ($2.95) and a bacon wallet ($9.95).

If there are no bacon lovers on your list (although I can't imagine that), you can always try bubble gum that looks and tastes like meatballs ($3.95). Each pack comes with a picture of Manny the Meatball, happily exclaiming, "Atsa chewy meatball."

If there is a friend or relative on your list whom you don't necessarily like, give him or her a box of Fire Picks ($2.50). When they try to pick their teeth with these babies, the spicy stick will alarm the tastebuds. (Odds are good the person will not want a gift from you next year — or ever again.)

As you give these exclusive gifts, remember this: Somewhere in the world people are actually paid to think this stuff up.

Happy holidays, all.

lalexander@lnpnews.com