When people ask Susan Grayson why her marriage ended, she hesitates.

Not because she doesn't know, but because she wonders how she can make others understand something that she fully doesn't understand herself.

After 14 years, her marriage ended because her husband admitted although he loved her, he wasn't in love with her and had been living a lie.

"He looked at me and told me he has always had sexual feelings toward men," Grayson said. "I felt my world crumble, but knew that he was just trying to be honest to himself — and to me."

According to Grayson, counseling was helpful to the family — the couple have two children — but only in getting through the situation.

"It didn't help me understand," she said. "I was angry, very angry, at first. I felt that our time together was a waste and meant nothing to him."

However, Herb Landis of Samaritan Counseling Center said that, although this anger is understandable and not wrong, he encourages couples, once they can, to think of the positive that came out of the relationship.

"It is like a death of sorts," Landis said. "But it does not negate their entire time together."

"I grieved," Grayson said. "For our marriage, our family. It was like a death, but we were both still very alive."

Landis, who has worked with couples and with spouses separately said there is grieving on both sides of the marriage — not just for the person "left behind."

"For the spouse who is 'coming out,' he or she is sacrificing a lot," Landis said. "There is the chance of losing family, friends, in addition to their spouse.

"Unfortunately these situations are a result of how society views homosexuality," Landis added. "These people may not have suppressed their sexuality if they had felt more accepted."

Ending a marriage under these circumstances is much like ending any marriage. However, there is a difference in that there is no chance for reconciling.

"It's not an affair," Landis said. "It's not going to be repaired."

Just like dealing with a death, there was a range of emotions for Teresa (who does not want her last name used). She was angry, sad, depressed and confused when her husband of seven years told her he had met someone else.

"Not sure which was more shocking," Teresa said. "That he had met someone or that it was a man."

According to Landis, a sense of relief can accompany the reveal of a spouse's sexuality. It can answer a lot of unanswered questions and doubts.

"Those thoughts of self-doubt in the relationship get wiped away," Landis said.

"Had it been another woman, I think I would have been harder on myself," Teresa said. "I would have questioned what I could have done differently. It's obvious that there was nothing I could do; he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I am a woman."

Grayson, however, did blame herself. She wondered if she had done something wrong in her marriage, something to chase her husband away.

"I thought maybe he became less attracted to me because I had gained weight," Grayson said. "Our sex life had diminished over the years, and I blamed myself."

It was through open and honest discussion, with the help of their counselor, that Grayson was able to realize her husband was sexually attracted to men the entire time they were together and never acted on his feelings.

"We were both raised to think that being gay was wrong," Grayson said. "I can see why he was so afraid to come clean."

Through months of talking after being told of her husband's sexuality, Grayson said she was able to accept and explain things to their son (the couple also has a daughter, who was very young at the time).

"I did not want him to think differently about his father," Grayson said of their son. "I wanted him to continue to love and adore (his father), just as he always did. Our family might not be what it was, but we still both loved our son."

This is important, according to Landis.

"All children want to know is that Mommy and Daddy love them," Landis said. "Yes, the dynamic has changed. But they are still loved by both parents."

Landis recommends parents wait until their feelings have been dealt with before bringing the children into the situation. If the feelings are still too much on the surface, the child will be able to read them and may internalize them for a while, Landis said.

Explaining to the children is just one of the first steps. Extended family and friends expect answers, and some are supportive — others not so much.

"I really found out a lot about my circle of friends," Teresa said. "There were many who were kind of mean and said 'Oh, I always wondered.' "

These comments can be damaging to the recipient, Landis said. It creates a doubt in the person's mind, and he or she can question the judgment he or she has had over the years with the spouse.

"It makes one say 'Hey, should I have noticed something?' " Landis said. "Or, they wonder why nobody ever voiced their suspicions.

"In the end, they did what is expected of a spouse," Landis said. "They trusted their spouse."

FINDING SUPPORT

Friends and a strong support system can help both parties through the breakup.

"Find a confidante, someone you know will not judge," Landis said. "If a person thinks back over conversations with people, they will know someone they can trust to be totally open with."

Pastors, counselors, family or journaling for those who are not ready to talk — these all are recommended for those who are working through such a situation. Landis also suggested the online resource of the Straight Spouse Network, www.straightspouse.org, which he said can yield helpful information and articles.

E-mail: cesbenshade@lnpnews.com