Supermarket tabloids dish dirt to a captive audience
By Jane Holahan
Updated Feb 19, 2007 15:40
It was, she tells the checkout lady, the last one. Could she charge her just for the five?
I wanted to say, “Couldn’t you get a different brand of water, lady? I guarantee, they all taste the same.”
But no, we had to wait for the manager to come over and figure it all out.
So I spent my time catching up on the tabloids. As always, shocking things are going on in the celebrity world, according to the Globe, the National Enquirer, the Mirror and Star Magazine.
Oprah is definitely breaking up with Stedman.
Jennifer and Vince are getting married in one, breaking up in another, and planning to have a baby in a third.
Angelina and Brad? Oh my. Horrible fights. Having the baby has only made things worse!
Speaking of babies, Demi is pining for one with Ashton, Tom and Katie are having another one, and pregnant Britney, the mother of the year in Tabloidville, is — again, depending on which tab you read — breaking up with her husband, Kevin, getting back together through Christian counseling, or in the process of doing something dangerous with little Sean Preston.
I’m just grateful there isn’t a copy of Harper’s Bazaar near the tabs. Seeing a pregnant, naked Britney would be too much for me in the middle of the day while I’m buying my milk and eggs.
Tabs are obsessed with weight, and celebrities can never win. They are either way too skinny or way too fat.
MaryKate and Ashley are regulars, looking like skeletons with lots of eye makeup on.
Then there are the slovenly looking picture of Oprah (no wonder Stedman’s leaving!) or Martha and how much they weigh right there on the cover.
And you know Rosie will be back in PrimeTime tabloidville once she’s back on “The View.”
Speaking of which, Star Jones Reynolds was just born to be a tabloid star, don’t you think? I wonder how long she can play out getting fired to keep her skinny self in front of the bright lights.
I noticed, as I perused the tabs, that they enjoy it when stars get sick.
There was nice Candice Bergen with a headline about her cancer battle and a spotlighted circle on her throat.
Since I don’t actually touch these rags, I never did find out what was wrong with her.
But it bothered me to see Bergen, who always struck me as someone who knows how to live a private life, splashed on the cover along with Britney, Angelina and Star.
Some celebrities make a deal with the devil because they are so hungry to be famous. But not every celebrity is that hungry.
Do you feel sorry for Britney as she cries about her lack of privacy while posing nude for Harper’s Bazaar?
Yeah, me neither.
There’s a strange thing going on in supermarket aisles across the country as people stare at the tabloids, waiting to buy their groceries.
We are looking at pretend people. Every week, there’s the latest dirt on people so rich and beautiful and famous, they have ceased to be real to us.
And with all the plastic surgery and botox, they don’t even look real anymore.
Of course, it’s not just Hollywood celebrities on the cover of the tabloids these days.
Bill and Hillary are regulars, of course, but did you hear Laura Bush has left the White House in a huff because George and Condi are having an affair!
I swear it’s true. I saw it in the Globe before buying my Tums and Aspirin.
———
Jane Holahan is a New Era staff writer. Her column appears every other Wednesday.
Talkback on LancasterOnline
Welcome to the new TalkBack on LancasterOnline. Please use the comment box below to share your opinion on this
article. If you would prefer to use the previous TalkBack forums instead, please use this link.
