If you're a last-minute shopper like me — or also like me, just a dude who puts off holiday shopping — read on. It's not too late to find the perfect present. Just follow this advice, or what I like to call "Seven Simple Rules to Getting Through the Mall Alive."
1. Like any other journey through dangerous and unknown territory, one would be wise to bring a guide. In the case of the mall, bring one of the opposite gender, but not your significant other. Hinting at the mall is fatal to the surprise gift.
2. Picking a time to go is crucial. The correct time to go shopping in that feral hunting ground is around 10 in the morning. This way, you get there after the old people finish their walks and before the lunch crowd.
3. The day one should go should be a Friday. Fear keeps people away from the mall during this day — that is, fear others will be there. If you are daring enough, then go Friday. Just make sure you adhere to Rule Two.
4. Pity and mercy have no place at the mall during Christmas season. That septuagenarian wearing the blue windbreaker and a Dale Earnhardt sweater, looking at "those baggy pants my grandson likes," will not hesitate to beat you furiously with her walker if you get the first grabs on a hot item.
5. Give no quarter to anyone in a line. Do not allow cutting in front of you, even if you think you are helping a pregnant woman. If you do, then you risk causing a riot at the checkout. This is another reason to bring a guide. They can hold a place in the line whilst you grab the good stuff.
6. Bring your own bag, especially backpacks. More hands for more shovin' and grabbin'.
7. Make a list of things you want to get before you go. If you don't, it will be like getting dropped off in the jungle, without any plan as to what to do next.
Do not just go window-shopping; your complacency will get you beaten by a soccer mom with a Prada bag in Build-A-Bear over not moving out of the way so she can "INJECT SOME
!@#$ING LOVE IN THIS DUCK!" It happened to me. It can — and probably will — happen to you.
You still might not come back alive, but that's the fun, you know? What is Christmas without the roar of the shopping centers full of angry consumers throwing designer clothes and electronics in sacks, ala looting?
Hoping to survive the mall is like hoping to win a three-legged race. You get bogged down, you hate the person you're with and you look like a frenzied lunatic. But if you follow the rules, then maybe you will make it back out alive.
Unless Paris Hilton comes back — then you will most likely be eviscerated by misguided preteens.
One more thing to remember, though this is not a rule. I cannot call it a rule, because it derides the list, but try not to go the mall. Really, it is horrifying. It's not like you have the money anyway.
And if you do have to go — and again this is not a rule — avoid Hot Topic, just because that place plain ol' sucks. It's expensive and condescending and part of the bland corporate mechanism that is slowly packaging rock 'n' roll rebellion and selling it retail. But that's just one happy little elf's opinion.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and to those in my family, Happy Festivus to all, and to all, a good night.
Zac Morrow is a Hempfield graduate and attends Harrisburg Area Community College. E-mail him at YourLife@LNPnews.com. 
