Dear Annie: I'm 14 and have a good friend I'll call "Emily." Emily recently told me she is having trouble with her boyfriend, and she is scratching herself.
Her boyfriend is controlling. He'll call her when she's at the mall and ask, "Where are you?" "Who are you with?" "Are you hanging out with any boys?" She says he does this frequently, and sometimes she gets mad and lies about being with other guys, and he says, "Don't you love me?" I told her she should probably break up with him, before it gets worse, but she insists they love each other.
Emily also told me she scratches herself with needles, safety pins and anything else sharp. She showed me the scars. They're everywhere — all over her arms, legs and stomach. I asked her why she does this, and she said it feels good when she's upset. I asked if she was seeing a therapist, and she said yes, but she only had one more session, because the rates were about to go up, and her family couldn't afford it.
Annie, I don't know what to do. I've told my mom, and she doesn't know what to do, either. I'm afraid if I tell Emily's parents, she'll never speak to me again, but if I don't and something bad happens, I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. Please help. — Scared Friend
Dear Friend: Ask your mother to speak to Emily's parents. Scratching herself is how Emily takes control of her feelings, although it is self-destructive and harmful. Her boyfriend sounds overly possessive and potentially abusive. We're glad she's seeing a therapist, and if money is an issue, the school counselor may be able to help. You are a good friend. Don't let fear of Emily's reaction stop you from doing what you can to help her.
Dear Annie: A female friend of mine invited me to a concert, and I accepted. On the day of the concert, she called to say she wouldn't be able to attend, as she had to go out of town on business, but her boyfriend of a few months (with whom she lives) would be accompanying me to the concert instead.
I had met her boyfriend only very briefly one time and hardly knew him, so I was very surprised by this. I mentioned that I thought it would be more appropriate if I invite another friend of mine to accompany me. She immediately became miffed and hung up. We haven't spoken since. Was I wrong? — Left Hanging
Dear Left: It would have been very gracious of your friend to give you her ticket so you could have the escort of your choice, but unless you wanted to reimburse her for the cost, she was entitled to give it to whomever she wished. Please call her up and apologize for being skittish about attending a concert with her boyfriend and ask if you can put this behind you.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Party Pooper," whose parents expected their daughters to host a huge 40th wedding anniversary celebration, and when the girls couldn't afford it, the parents booked a cruise and then complained. These parents are a little manipulative. Either they forgot how they struggled when they were raising a family, or they were always well-off. Shame on Dad for saying a nice dinner with the family is nothing "special." How hurtful. And shame on Mom for feeling "forced" to book a cruise. Poor thing.
A romantic cruise is a wonderful way to celebrate an anniversary, and the girls could take them out for a nice dinner the evening before they embark. Instead, the parents found a way to do something wonderful for themselves and make their daughters feel guilty to boot. Shame on them. — Deborah in New Bedford, Mass.
Dear Deborah: We agree and hope those parents will stop the guilt trip, so they can celebrate this important occasion together, no matter how modestly.
DEAR ANNIE: My sister and I are very close. We had our weddings a month apart and are guardians for each other's children in the event of death. In the past, we've often celebrated our anniversaries together.
A year ago, my husband and I were coming up on a significant anniversary and wanted to do something special. I suggested we take a trip overseas with my sister and her husband to mark the milestone. They agreed, but there was no further discussion. Six months ago, I brought it up again, asking whether they were still interested, because I wanted to begin planning. They said to go ahead.
After much back and forth, I pressed my sister to pick a specific date and was blindsided when she announced that her husband had invited another couple to come along. I had met this couple only once, several years ago.
I was speechless. I informed my sister that this was not what we had in mind, and it would be weird to be the fifth wheel. My sister agreed and said it was her husband's responsibility to dis-invite them. A few weeks later, I discovered the other couple had made reservations at the same hotel at the same time.
Suddenly, this is a different trip from what I had planned. If we were to back out now, we would lose a lot of money. I am so resentful, I don't know how to handle it. I feel my sister has ruined my vacation and put her friends first. What do I do? — BETWEEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS
DEAR FAMILY: Clearly your sister and brother-in-law find these joint vacations a bit insular and wanted to spread the joy around. They should not have invited these friends without clearing it with you first, but it serves no purpose to travel with a chip on your shoulder. Try to make the best of it, and consider that you might have a wonderful time, in spite of the change in the arrangements. We wouldn't plan any future vacations with your sister, however, unless you both agree on the ground rules.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
