High technology got your circuits fired? Please join us
By Jane Holahan
Updated Feb 19, 2007 15:52
Would you be interested in starting a Luddites Anonymous group in the basement of a church somewhere?
You may be a Luddite and not even know it. We need to support each other in this cold, hard world.
Luddites are people who are opposed to technological progress. We don’t like new ways of doing things.
We were named after Ned Ludd, a man who smashed several weaving frames in a textile mill around 1810. The frames, which at the time were the latest in technology, cost hand knitters their jobs and old Ned was frustrated.
His actions led to a movement that spread like wildfire at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution. Wool and cotton mills throughout England were attacked until the government began suppressing the Luddites and hanging them.
No surprise, the movement died out.
Now I don’t hate technology so much that I’d go to Seattle and destroy computers at Microsoft. I don’t want to be hanged.
I use a computer. I even own one at home.
But I am being shoved into the 21st century against my will.
Consider me a recovering Luddite.
Are you a Luddite? Here are some signs:
_ You learn only the bare minimum of what you have to know to operate your computer. Even though your life would be much easier if you learned how to deal with folders or your pictures file, you never do.
_ You have a fancy cell phone, but it’s only for emergencies. All you know how to do is call people and receive calls. All the other stuff, from the games to the ring tones to the call waiting leave you hopelessly confused.
_ When the computer guy comes to fix something and he attempts to explain what he’s doing, your brain clicks into a strange form of oblivion. It’s the same kind of oblivion you experience when filling out tax forms. Your brain is simply incapable of retaining any information.
_ You walk into Circuit City and get highly agitated because you have no idea what anything other than the TVs are. And even the TVs leave you confused.
It’s highly frustrating to be in a store where most of the products are beyond your comprehension.
What’s wireless? Is BD-Java Interactive Capability a good thing? Do you really need a PDA? What is a PDA?
_ You understand nothing in the following sentence from a Microsoft advertising Web site: “See what SQL Server 2005 offers you for securing your data platform: highly-granular authentication, authorization, and validation mechanisms; strong encryption; security context switching and impersonation; and integrated key management.”
_ In trying to move beyond your Luddite tendencies you decide to buy something online.
Three hours, 47 curse words and a handful of hair you’ve ripped from your head later, you give up and make your purchase on the phone.
_ You follow the directions to the letter, yet the spanking new DVR you got for Christmas can’t record shows. Then, looking more closely at the directions, you realize you will never understand them. This leads to lots of tears and, once again, lots of cursing.
Luddites are losers. We barely function in a world that is rapidly leaving us behind.
So let us gather in that church basement, share our sad stories and support each other. I’ll bring some cookies.
The edible kind.
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(The Voices column is written by a rotating team of New Era staffers. It appears Mondays.)
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