(Silence … more silence … why don't you get that second cup of coffee awhile? … still more silence.)

Sorry I'm late for the start of this week's column, but I have to keep checking my mailbox here at the office. You see, President Bush is going to be speaking in Lancaster County today. It's an invitation-only event, and as I write this Tuesday, my invitation has not yet arrived.

I'm sure I will be invited. After all, the president has to know what a staunch supporter I am, and how I hang on his every word. I am still stirred by his statement on terrorism of Aug. 5, 2004: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

And I was encouraged by his message of hope for our young people on Sept. 26, when he said, "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

Yes, childrens certainly do.

•••

The president and Congress, thanks to the war in Iraq, have united the nation — about 80 percent of Americans think they're all a bunch of bozos. This is the highest bozo-to-politician ratio of any administration since Richard Nixon's and Lyndon Johnson's, both bozos in their own right.

(Long, silent pause)

I'm back. Just had to check my mailbox again. It's still not there.

The president will be speaking before a select gathering of The Lancaster Chamber of Commerce & Industry members and, possibly, members of the local GOP. Both groups consist mostly of well-dressed white people — Bush's target audience as opposed to say, folks at Water Street Rescue Mission.

While what the president will be talking about is still not known — even Bush generally doesn't know what he will be saying until he actually says it — it's expected he will speak about the budget.

Creating a budget is something the president does every year. Ideally, expenses in the budget should not exceed income. At least, that's what almost every president and his top aides have told the American people. Then they have shared a loud guffaw and come up with $900 gazillion spending plans with deficits that could be repaid only if we could somehow tax beings on other planets.

(Another lengthy pause.)

Nope. Not here yet.

•••

All right. I'm back.

The main subject of the president's speech, as I understand it, will be a struggle between himself and Congress over a government-sponsored health-care plan for kids called SCHIP. It seems those free-spenders in Congress want to increase SCHIP funding by $35 billion.

However, the president, possibly because he needs money for the war (its mission, he said, was "accomplished" several years ago) prefers a $5 billion increase.

The message is: We're fighting terrorism, and we don't have the money to help poor sick kids. And he is so right. Unless, of course, we can cure them and then draft them.

Meanwhile, many well-dressed members of the Chamber and local GOP, unlike the Republican presidential hopefuls, are looking forward to seeing Bush.

Dave Dumeyer, chairman of Lancaster County Republican Committee, said the county should be happy Bush is coming here for the fifth time in his administration to announce a new policy.

"We should be proud we fare so well in his estimation," Dumeyer said.

This is not something a lot of areas in the nation would admit to these days. My guess is Bush comes here so often because it's one of the few places left where he can announce policy and not get egged.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go check my mailbox.

I'm starting to get worried.

E-mail: lalexander@lnpnews.com