To speak to our billing department, press 2. To schedule an appointment, press 3. For our hours, press 4. For directions, press 5. To place an order, press 6. If you have a rotary phone, stay on the line and an operator will be with you soon.

Hmm, let’s see? Uh, well, I guess I’ll press 1.

Due to overwhelming consumer demands, all lines are busy. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.

Old music from the 70s starts playing. It’s pretty cool, taking me back to high school and all. It plays. And plays. And plays. Jim Croce moves on to Barry Manilow, which moves on to the Eagles.

Due to overwhelming consumer demands, all lines are busy. Please stay on the line.

Yeah, you told me that already.

Due to overwhelming consumer demands, all lines are busy. Please stay on the line.

I’m starting to get impatient. What do I do? Am I next? Or will I have to wait another 10 minutes? Do I hang up and try later? I’ve already invested...

Hello, my name is mumble mumble. For security purposes, this call may be recorded. How may I help you?

Ah, I need to talk to Joe Schmoe.

Just a moment.

That music comes back on. Funny, I used to like music from the 70s.

Ring ring ring.

Hi, This is Joe Schmoe. I’m not in right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

BEEP.

Uh, hi Joe. I’m returning your call. Do you have a direct line?

———

Does any company in the world have a person answer the phone anymore? A person who can direct you to the voice mail you inevitably get when you try to reach an actual human being?

Why must we jump through endless hoops, be put on hold and then sent to some destination that, inevitably, involves another machine? Doesn’t anyone answer their phone anymore?

And is there really that much overwhelming consumer demand?

I can understand a huge corporation using elaborate and complex screening systems. They get thousands of calls a day and they’ve got hundreds of different departments.

If I’m calling the White House, I won’t mind hearing: To talk to the president, press 1. To talk to the vice president, press 2. It’s a busy place.

But call your kid’s school and you’re thrown into the maze. Call your church or the tiniest of companies and it will happen.

Sometimes you can even call a person’s house and get an array of options.

To talk to Dad, press 1. To talk to Mom, press 2. To talk to Susie, press 3. To talk to Tommy, press 4. To leave a message for the dog, press 5.

Spot, stop chewing the carpet!

I know it’s all about efficiency and never missing a message and you know, I do appreciate voice mail. Sometimes, I’d rather talk to a machine.

But why does a small company that has maybe half a dozen employees need to offer you six options when you call?

Sometimes, when I’m on the phone with a long list of options, I forget which number to press.

Once, when I was trying to check on a credit card bill, I actually made the wrong choice and was automatically sent a new card.

And don’t you love those employee directories, where you have to press in the numbers of the last name of the person you want to talk to? God forbid you should make a mistake and have to start all over again.

Machines are making human interaction totally superfluous. My machine can talk to your machine, which can send a message to my computer.

But you know, I love it when I call someplace and a real person comes on the line:

Joe Schmoe here, how can I help you?

(The Voices column is written by a rotating team of New Era staffers. It appears Mondays.)

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