That's the message children, attorneys, judges, social workers and guidance counselors want parents to hear. Even some divorced parents are waving the warning flag.

"I wish they (other divorced parents) would realize their kids are kids and they are the adults," said Ann, a divorced Mountville mother and a teacher, who asked not to be identified by her real name.

"It's too easy to be so angry, so hurt, so frightened, so bitter that you can't be rational . . . Even though that pain is very real, you have to put that to the side. It's only going to help you in the end."

Knowing what children need during a divorce is not automatic for parents, said Jane Phillips, president of Family Service, 630 Janet Ave. Parents shouldn't feel guilty for not knowing, she said, but they do need to learn how to take care of their children and themselves during this tumultuous time.

That's one of the reasons Lancaster County Court is requiring anyone involved in a custody action to take a four-hour class on parenting, "Focus on Children." But the learning doesn't have to start or stop with that mandatory class, Phillips added.

Children who are going through a divorce are really going through a grieving process, said Patrice Perillo, a social worker at Family Service who coordinates "Focus on Children."

"There's a death of the family when a divorce or separation occurs."

Kids naturally can be depressed or more aggressive. Younger children are prone to tantrums, irritability, and sleep problems. Teens are even more likely than usual to be angry at their parents and act out inappropriately.

Parents need to understand that their children are grieving, said Perillo. When parents add conflict, name-calling and open warfare to the child's life, the situation gets that much worse, said Perillo.

Ann said she learned to keep her mouth shut in front of her children, even when their father has done something she is furious about. She just nods when they tell her something about her ex-husband that breaks her heart, she said.

"I'm proud of myself for never saying anything bad about him or his girlfriend in front of the boys," Ann said. But later, when she's in bed, she'll call her mother or a friend "and cry my eyes out," she said.

Kathy Scott, family life educator for Cobys Family Services, said children will feel like they are being criticized when one parent insults the other in front of them. Plus, bad-mouthing damages the relationship the child has with the other parent.

"It's important to allow the child to love both parents," Scott said.

Tammy Heil, a divorced mother from Penryn, said she is learning to leave her daughter out of disagreements she has with her ex-husband since she took a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce class at Cobys.

For example, Heil said, she remembers exploding in front of her daughter when she realized her ex only bought two shirts and two pairs of shorts for the girl's summer wardrobe. Heil had expected him to buy more.

Now, Heil said she recognizes that it was unfair to explode in front of her daughter, because it wasn't her daughter's fault. "If I had a problem with that . . . I should have discussed it with him, not (her)."

"It eliminates putting the child in the middle," added Tim Heil, who took the classes with her. "The child doesn't need any of that."

Cobys Cooperative Parenting and Divorce Class is designed for both parents -- even if they are barely speaking -- to learn to communicate for the sake of their child. If one parent won't come, the class still can make a difference -- it just might take longer, said Scott, who teaches the classes with Robin Granzow, family life education coordinator.

"When one parent starts to see a change in the other -- not getting pulled in, not getting into arguments -- it almost always forces a change in the other parent," said Scott.

One of the key messages taught at Cobys and in the court-ordered sessions is that parents need to take care of their own stress and pain so they can give more freely to their children.

(Cobys is offering a course to the public called Cooperative Parenting and Divorce on Thursdays, April 24, May 1, 8, 15, 22 and 29 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Cost is $50 each, $75 a couple.)

Perillo said her 20 years of experience working with families has taught her that the better parents adjust, the better the children adjust. "If parents can handle their emotions and communicate effectively, kids learn it too," she said.

Anything to manage stress can ease a custody situation, said Perillo. Simplifying life, taking a few moments to do some deep breathing and exercising, having family meetings, creating a schedule, having a game night -- all can be helpful.

Ann said keeping her children's lives as stable as possible during the divorce was important. The children lived in the same house, went to the same church, continued the same Scout program. A child psychologist helped them work through anxiety caused by the divorce, she said.

There also are support groups for kids going through divorce.

Granzow, who facilitates Banana Splits -- a support group for more than 100 elementary students of divorced parents in a Lebanon County School District -- said the children are helped by listening to other kids talk about their experiences.

In the group, Granzow reassures the children that their parents' divorce is not their fault -- a fact that is often hard for the children to believe.

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