By Jane Holahan
Published Oct 24, 2005 12:56
I’d like to lose more and the way I feel now, I know I will. I’m focused, healthy and filled with optimism. Pass the Slimfast!
Of course, there’s a problem. It involves the words “latest diet.”
I am 46 years old and I have started and ended more diets than I will ever be able to count.
Some diets last for months, some for days. And some only last for hours. At 8 a.m. I’m eating carrots, convinced I have changed my eating habits for life. At 6 p.m., I’m stuffing down a pizza.
I have about four different wardrobes, from tiny size five to a portly 16. I don’t throw anything away because I never know when I’ll need them again.
I am embarrassed to admit all this, but I know I am not alone. It’s a classic pattern that millions of Americans experience.
My story goes like this:
I am a skinny kid who hits puberty, gains some weight, as girls who hit puberty usually do, and suddenly feels horribly self-conscious.
I am a big fat pig. I’m Shelly Winters, Kate Smith and Divine all rolled into one.
I weigh 115 pounds.
Sigh.
Does any woman ever say, “Hey, I’m thin, I look great!”
No, even fashion models have to go through the ritual admonition that they feel ugly and fat.
I have skinny friends who complain about how fat they are.
When women who weigh less than 100 pounds say such things, you’ve got to wonder.
So here I am in high school, ready to begin my lifelong career of dieting.
During the next four years, I lose and gain the same five pounds.
College is pretty much the same story, though somewhere along the way that five pounds becomes a permanent part of me. I continue to gain and lose five pounds on top of it.
In my 20s, another five pounds becomes permanent and then I begin losing and gaining the same 10 pounds over and over.
This continues on through my 30s and into my 40s.
I take some detours and start an exercise program, which I remain faithful to throughout the later part of my 20s and into my 30s.
But still, more weight sneaks on and just stays there. I am still gaining and losing, but by the time I turn 40, I am no longer a thin girl who thinks she’s fat. I’m a fat girl who knows she’s fat.
I join Weight Watchers. I get hypnotized. I do Slimfast.
I make vows to change my ways. I convince myself that I will never scarf down a bag of potato chips and a chocolate bar again in my life.
But then I do. And I don’t care. I will eat two chocolate bars, so there.
Strangely enough, when I’m dieting (a word you aren’t supposed to use, so I’ll say “focused on my health”) I feel great.
It’s a great mystery as to why I sabotage myself. Therapists could have a field day.
But I’m not the only one who can’t keep the weight off.
About 95 percent of people who lose weight gain it back. And often, they gain even more.
Those are tough odds to beat.
Take the 20 pounds I lost earlier this year.
I felt great. I felt proud of myself. I had faith I could lose more.
So what did I do?
I ate.
I gained.
I despaired.
I lost a little.
I gained more.
And lost again.
I am a non-celebrity version of Oprah Winfrey, except I don’t have a personal trainer, a personal chef or a TV show to dish the dirt about dieting.
So, congratulate me on those six pounds. I swear, I’m never going to gain another pound!
